Often it happens, as it did at the church women's afternoon tea I attended the other week, that in the process of meeting someone for the first time, it comes up that I lived in England. And the natural question is always,
So what was it like?
Since it's hard to boil down four years into thirty seconds, I usually say something flippant like, "The pubs were nice," or "I learned a lot."
That I learned a lot is an understatement. In truth, living in England was a complete re-education. I'd go as for as to say that England was the
unlearning of almost 80% of what America had spent 22 years working so hard to teach me, and America had laid it on thick.
The thing with England is that the differences between her and America are not just ornamental, like a preference for tea versus coffee. Although yes, we're all humans with the same basic needs and wants, and yes, we have the same shared heritage, the
stories we are told about the world, about how to interact and about what to expect from life at times felt like polar opposites. It was the tension of living in this opposition that made daily life so stimulating, uncomfortable, eye-opening and precious.
And before I may go any further, I have to preface this by saying that what I'm describing is
my America and
my England, which could very well be different to other people's experiences in both places. But then again, this is
my blog. :)
In the 1980s and 90s, America took the raw material of a naturally shy girl and told her,
hey, you've got to get out of your shell if you're going to get anywhere in life. If you want to make friends, be friendly! Act excited! Use exclamation points liberally! Smile! It took awhile for me to get this, with much trial and error through high school and college, but by the time I left, I pretty much had it down. And armed with these helpful social tools, I bound off for England.
Hey guys! What's going on?
But instead of greeting me with a big hug, smile or, heaven forbid, a high five, England looked at me, eyebrows raised, like I had mental problems. "Why do Americans always say
have a nice day?" people would ask, honestly curious, as though this nice parting phrase needed rationalization. Or, "Why are Americans so fake and happy all the time?" I quickly learned that the very traits that Americans considered advantageous had the opposite effect on Britons. "Do you mind turning that enthusiasm down a notch? You're scaring the women and children."
At the turn of the millennium, through subtle comments and looks, England took a bold and idealistic woman and filed her down and chilled her out. It showed her that patience, contentment and holding her tongue were good complements to her natural activism, ambition and proclivity to speaking her mind.
America had told me to fake it till I make it, to act like I know what I'm doing at all times. England countered,
You're confidence is making us slightly anxious.
America had said, I don't want to hear you complain until you've done something to change the situation. England looked at my proactivity and sighed.
America said, be direct, bold, forward. Say what you mean, don't beat around the bush. England insinuated,
We prefer subtlety here.
America said, go big or go home. England said,
I just might
head home and put the kettle on then.
America said, how can I make your experience as comfortable as possible? England said,
If you're cold put a jumper on.
America said, be inclusive. Talk to strangers. Try to make new people comfortable. Make small talk, make connections. England pleaded,
Please just leave me alone.
America said, put all your cards on the table as soon as possible. England said,
Lay each down, one by one. Make them work for it.
America said, cheer up, don't be so cynical. England said,
Why are you
in such a good mood?
America said, be perfect. Start your own business. Start a nonprofit. Be remarkable. Do it by the time you're thirty. England said,
stop expecting so much out of yourself. Ambition isn't necessarily a great word.
America said, express your feelings, don't keep things bottled up. England said,
Only if you absolutely must, and then only after a few drinks.
America said, less taxes and smaller government. England said,
More taxes and bigger government.
America said socialism is evil. England said, capitalism is immoral.
It was all very confusing as you can imagine, like your dad telling you to do one thing and then your mum telling you to do the opposite. So many mixed messages, and on so many levels! But that is what living in England was like for me, aged 25-29, trying to figure life out in a completely different context to the one I'd been raised in.
England was expecting one thing, getting another and then making constant adjustments and finding balance, and home, somewhere in the middle. It was learning to be content with less, to hang dry my clothes and handwash my dishes, without rinsing the suds. It was riding the bus instead of driving a car, learning that working out five times a week isn't normal and that trying to be perfect isn't worth it. England was feeling cold all winter, only going out to eat on special occasions, learning how to cook and bake, feeling like chocolate chip cookies were exotic, paying more than I'd ever paid on a lifestyle that was the simplest I've ever lived, constant awareness that I think differently, having so much annual vacation I had to think strategically to use it all, not worrying about health insurance, drinking a boatload of tea, drinking a boatload of coffee. England was starting a marriage. It was learning to be comfortable well and truly outside of my comfort zone.
England was an exercise in learning how not to be defensive all the time, as accidental ambassador for a country that is a catalyst for countless opinions.
So, that's what living in England was like, in a nutshell.
Whenever someone asks me, in addition to saying that I learned a lot, I also add that I wouldn't trade my experience there for anything. That I feel so blessed to have so many true friends across the pond, who helped me navigate my foreignness and loved me regardless, two of whom will be visiting us in just a few days!
And of course I say that, after four years, it's good to be home.
{Photo via etsy}
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